Let me start by saying that the big carpet reveal is coming. The installers came on Monday, as scheduled, and did an excellent job! The problem is, we haven’t had time to move the furniture back, and I haven’t been home when it was light enough outside to get new pictures. Attic rooms can be dim, you know.
Now that that’s out of the way, I’d like to run something by you. As embarrassing as this problem is, I’m in need of a rodent solution, badly. Lately I have been awakened at 3, 4 or 5:00 in the morning, by a scratching, scraping sound. The first time I was too groggy to tell where it was coming from, thus panicked and decided it was right next to my head. I kept trying to stay awake enough to hear it again so I could determine the exact location, but surely each time I heard it, it woke me up from having dozed back off.
Over the following two nights, I woke up to the same sounds, but was more fully awake. I sat up in the bed at 5:00 one morning and listened. The sound was coming from Coach’s chest of drawers. I wanted to scream, but I knew it would wake up everyone in the house. Coach must have a sixth sense when he’s sleeping, because before long, he woke up, too and jerked around to see what the heck I was doing. “Listen” I commanded him. “Do you hear that?”
After a long pause, in which I figured he’d dozed back off, and I was about to poke him, he said, “Yeah. Where’s it coming from?”
“Your bottom drawer.” I knew he would not be excited about this news.
That night (because the mornings are too consumed with everything else), Coach pulled out his bottom drawer, and there among his shorts and swim trunks, he found a pile of insulation. Hmmmm…and, cotton balls. Cotton balls soaked in peppermint oil, because I had read it would repel mice, and had placed them around our bed for protection. The little bastards made their nest out of my deterrent!! (I guess I should say “bitches”, because don’t the females build the nest to have babies in? EWWWW!!!) Coach pulled the heavy chest out from between the built-in cabinets and discovered a huge hole in the wall, right at the baseboard. He sprayed almost a whole can of expanding foam junk in it, cleaned up all the mouse droppings, removed the nest, and we went to bed that night, feeling like we had conquered the world.
Four in the morning rolls around: scratch, scratch, scratch! Sure enough, the next day, a new insulation-nest was back. Coach moved all of his clothes out, left the nest, and placed two traps in the drawer (for good measure). When he returned to check it, the nest was gone, the traps undisturbed. AAARRRGGGHH!!
Guys, this rodent issue is driving me insane. We have NEVER had a mouse problem. In our first home, I saw one. We put some poison out, and never saw another. In our second home, I never saw one at all. Since we’ve been here, we’ve caught at least 15, including a rat, in snap traps. We’ve had two on our bed with us…we do not eat in our bedroom! We have caught a mouse in a rat trap, which is not something you want to do, ladies and gentlemen. We have a pest control guy who comes monthly, and he put out some poison, which he checks each time and reports that it has been nibbled on. We have placed countless amounts of poison under our house, under kitchen cabinets, and just anywhere the dogs can’t find it. I’ve cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned, scrubbing and disinfecting and practically wearing things out. I’ve locked up every loose morsel of food. Coach has plugged up hole after hole after hole, and then some. I wash my dishes, put them away, get them out to use them, wash them first, then use them, then wash them again! I’M LOSING IT!
So, I’ve made a decision. Madre keeps telling me that having mice is just part of living in the country, and I should get used to it. Even though I’ve lived in the country all of my married life and never had this problem, I’ve decided she’s onto something. Here is my rodent solution…I love to sew, right? Well then, I’m just going to make them little outfits! Little, tiny stocking caps, mini-t-shirts, and shoes for their hind feet! Something like this: I’ll train them all to walk around upright, and then, the best part, I’ll teach them how to sew! When I get really busy making Feel Better Bags, they can pitch in and help me! We can all sing songs together, and I’ll even give them a few little flax seeds to take back to their mousey homes within my home. We can all be one big, happy family! I’ll even give them all names, like “Asshole” and “SpawnOfSatan”, and they can have crumbs of my Little Debbie brownies!
Actually, they seem to like corn chips, since they lugged a half-empty, clipped-closed bag behind my microwave cabinet and helped themselves.
You know what? I’ll make them some toast! They like bread, too, which was supposed to be in its sealed plastic container the night the little shits chewed a hole through my brand-new loaf.
No…wait…Hershey’s miniatures! You know, the few that got buried in the bottom of the bowl and no one ate them? Yep, someone ate them…I think it was “Gus” (short for “DisGustin”), that little porker!
Somebody draw up my papers, because I think I’ve already lost it…..
(P.S. If you have any solutions that actually work and will keep my family from becoming disease-ridden, please share in the comments. First thing you should know: I’m highly allergic to cats. And if you say “you live in the country, you’ll just have to deal with them”, I’m going to punch you in the face the very next time I see you.)
(P.P.S. First one to scream some crap about “humane traps” or “don’t kill the little things!” gets punched in the face, too. Or, I’ll just throw “DoucheCanoe” here in YOUR bed!)